Skip to main content

unification

This is a subject I am reflecting on more frequently now.

I think I have some decisions to make over the next few years, but nothing is so pressing that it will not benefit from further reflection. Over the last number of years, I have exorcised all my demons pertaining to my being trans and what is left is to ascertain how I want to live from here on in.

It is true that living in two distinct gender camps doesn’t feel quite right and I think I could benefit from a blending myself into one entity. I am not a crossdresser and never have been, and I am not sure I see the value in having two sets of clothes with which to present differently depending on who I am seeing that day. The voyage of self-discovery carries us along and we change both in mindset and in daily practice and I am no longer the person I was even 3 short years ago.

That unification process will still require some time to complete with one obvious advantage being the removal of the sometimes-schizophrenic nature of having feet in both camps. I want to streamline and simplify things and being Joanna full time might just do that for me. However, there is still the matter of finishing my full-time career and beginning a new one which will help segue me into that process. I had never anticipated ever being at this junction in my life, but such is the wonder of our existence and our ability to change and to grow into new beings.

A big part of my hesitation was fear regarding the reaction of my extended family and being partnered with someone else. With the latter no longer a reality and the former becoming less of a concern, it will make the decision process that much less complicated.


Comments

  1. Dear Joanna,

    I found the shifting from one gender to the other and back again, being vigilant, remembering who knows and who does not, switching clothes in restrooms, make-up being applied in the car on the fly, to be tremendously anxiety producing.

    I was at a PFLAG meeting one night sharing my anxiety, when one of the attendees, Joan, who refers to herself as an "old transsexual", looked at me and said, "Oh Marcia, things will be so much easier when you pick a gender and stick with it." That's what I did. I have never been happier or felt so whole-complete.

    I am cheering you on from the sidelines and will support you whatever you decide to do!

    Marcia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that you will Marcia thank you!! 😀

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We