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coming to an understanding

I have always been female inside.

It doesn't matter what I swore to myself or how much I denied it. Its always been there like a pall hanging over me begging me to look at and acknowledge it. I can see it now because the fog of decades of denial has lifted slowly over time. It now feels like standing on top of a hill and finally being able to see your surroundings with perfect clarity for the first time.

Today, even in drab I know I am female on the inside, and that acknowledgement brings me comfort even when I cannot present as myself. There is no more fear, trepidation or shame about being who I am. All that remains inside of me is peace and joy.

My feminine instincts were quashed early on and then indoctrination took over. It was a long battle to come back but I made it and I have the rest of whatever life God gives me to be the person I was meant to. Even my lovely and intelligent son supports me no matter what I decide to do. Now that's really something.

Things can always be better in our lives but for me this is huge and, no matter what my body looks like, I have the comfort of having managed to become myself.

There is absolutely no better prize than that.


  1. Unconditional support from someone you love is wonderful, isn't it?
    In answer to the rhetorical question at the end (yes, I know one isn't supposed to answer rhetorical questions) - Priceless.

    1. Oh yes my friend Halle. Priceless indeed...


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