the reflection to come

At a certain point in time I hit a juncture where I didn't know which version of myself was the real one. Was the male presentation a cover up only to be able to make a living or was the female the less accurate one? Over time Joanna gained in strength to the point where I am sitting at a crossroad.

If I were completely convinced that I were, as Rhonda puts it, a two spirited person I would say so but I am not. I am instead looking honestly inwards because the concept is not entirely convincing when it comes to me. Hence, I am exploring whether the woman named Joanna isn't stronger and I am simply treading carefully towards an inevitability.

I don't want to play a game of fashion instead I want to be authentic and work through the remnants of my programming and the life decisions I have made with precision. For decades I played a game of denial where I couldn't possibly be transsexual but as I have come to understand that reality, its gravity permeates my thoughts.

Also if I were heavily enamored of the changing back and forth all would be settled by now but I am not. It doesn't entirely feel comfortable to me which is why I still reflect except, this time, I am devoid of all angst.

Is it possible to be transsexual and not transition? I don't know.

I got here through introspection and where I end up will be the result of the same.


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