Skip to main content

freeing yourself from gender norms

Have you freed yourself from gender norms yet? If you haven’t you should because that is a prerequisite to understanding who you are.

If you are afraid or embarrassed to present in a way that you want to then you will not be able to truly undertake the internal journey regarding whether to transition or not. Some of you may know for certain that you never will but others may be teetering on that fence unsure about what to do.

It was only when I learned to let go of all my fears that my vision became clear and I was able to imagine scenarios for myself; would I ever take hormones? Was dressing full time enough? Would I ever want any type of surgeries? These questions can only be answered in the cold light of day devoid of all the trappings of a gender education exclusively meant to serve an unyielding binary.

Not everything is perfectly clear in my mind yet, but what used to be daunting challenges have now become exciting and positive possibilities. Because when we eliminate guilt and fear is how we know we are on the right track towards true self comprehension.

Work on it and you will see.


  1. "Not everything is perfectly clear in my mind yet, but what used to be daunting challenges have now become exciting and positive possibilities. Because when we eliminate guilt and fear is how we know we are on the right track towards true self comprehension. [ ] Work on it and you will see."

    Fantastic! And agreed.

    But . . . .

    Just to chime in for those of us who identify as binary: I certainly had to free myself from gender norms insofar as I was born ostensibly reproductively male, but never acted the way people so embodied were required to. But, personally, I knew from early on that I had to find my way to the opposite pole on the spectrum. (At least as far as I could go given the current limits of altering human anatomy.) I embrace some female gender norms (though I still have a tomboy streak, but even "tomboy" is unmistakably a female state of being). Not that I am not philosophically feminist, refusing to behave in submissive manners, but what can I say? I'm basically just a binary woman who happens to be trans. True, it affords me privileges that should be afforded to everyone, such that they are not privileges, but basic rights of human decency, but I can't stop being me for a political cause.

    Anyway, I certainly don't mean to suggest that you were denigrating people in my position. Know ya too well for that, even through writings alone. ;) Just wanted to say that it is okay to embrace gender norms for one's self, just as long at one does so *to* express one's true *self*. After all, as we both observed before, it's not about what we are, but who we are. And me? I'm a binary woman mistaken for cis on a daily basis. Just happens to be who I am, and ain't nothin' wrong with that. :)

    1. and you know me too well in that I wouldn't be suggesting anything else. I know that there are people who are full blown transsexual and must go to the opposite end of the binary from their birth sex but what I was saying is that you cannot know that until you are free from the oppressive guilt and shame that many of us feel. Only when you remove all the trappings can you make such a decision and if you are a woman then so be it and in your case it was obvious :)

      I seem to lie just on the cusp of needing to transition which is why I oscillate back and forth but it wasn't until I became free from what I was supposed to do that I was able to consider all options. I now don't consider anything definitively closed and just live day to day and see what happens...

  2. Yep! Makes perfect sense. I must say, I do not envy those who just aren't sure which fork in the road to take. I imagine my life has been easier for knowing subjectively from my earliest memories. For me it was more about gathering the courage to admit it, first to myself, and then to others. And then to reach out for medical help. That was its own very serious challenge, but I knew what I wanted.

    And even then, because I knew enough to be skeptical of my own certainty, I explored a lot of different aspects of my subjectivity before moving forward physically. Sometimes I worry people are now so "non-skeptically certain," they don't reflect enough before moving ahead with irreversible physical changes. Especially when so young (even though I also admit part of me wishes I'd have moved ahead earlier myself, so who am I to judge anyone else?)

    In any case, we are in agreement that one must at least *separate our selves* from internalized societal norms, whether gender-specific or not, to truly find and manifest that which answers to the name of "me." And there are advantages to being trans because of this. The levels of self awareness and awakening we have thrust upon us through our dilemmas are not to be discounted. People who have it "easier" don't necessarily experience such ascensions in well being. And I know ya well enough too to know your next epiphany is coming soon! ;)



    1. Well then you're smarter than I am :))

      I too worry about this lack of introspection on the part of some. How can something this important and serious and yes irreversible be treated to so little investigation. I guess I grew up in the wrong time...


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We