I don't know why I refused to yield for so long but I suppose it was related to not wanting to try so very hard only to finally fail. But then if you are a fox why are you trying to be a tiger? It was probably that fundamental and yet I refused to see it. My happiness has increased significantly for having made that admission.
The pressure on pre-internet era reared trans people was huge and religious orthodoxy only exacerbated matters for me. But in the end, it turns our that change is possible for everyone; even for me.