Skip to main content

in the pink

The idea of a “Pink Fog” is about presupposing I don’t know what I am doing; that I have overstepped a boundary and need to reel myself in, but I always operated from the other direction where I tried to avoid being who I was and indulged it as little as possible while still trying to function in the conventional world.

I can see how for many of you in marriages this applies. You have promised to keep a balance between a life with a wife who wants a husband and having a foothold in a trans identity of some kind. This is very difficult to be sure and it ultimately didn’t work for me. I don’t think I have ever had an unrealistic perspective on things and my honoring of my identity has never had any traces of folly. I have always tried to only occupy the space as Joanna that I was able to and made sure to first take care of my responsibilities which were at their peak when I was married with young children.

Today I am in a much different position and I have more room to operate which is why I reflect on where to go. There has never been a fog but instead always lucid and clear thinking about how to manage things.

Image result for pink fog


  1. Of late my therapist has been advising me to try to pause thinking about things and follow what my body is telling me. With that in mind I'd say that my pink fog (aka gender euphoria) was screaming that this (whatever it was) was right for me, what my soul needed. What I had chalked up to some sort of fetish was my true self speaking through my body.

    The alternative is to try to think things through, endlessly pondering future ramifications, wondering if I will have made the right decision. Around and around, wash, rinse, repeat.

    Consider young children: they know what their body is telling them and without reservation they express themselves without any consideration for the future. They thus declare their gender identity without reservation until and unless they are shamed or otherwise put down.

    We are adults of course, and we do have consider decisions in a larger context. That said I suggest that listening to our bodies provides a very handy way to learn what we really want.

    1. Our problem as trans people is that many of us mistook our leanings for fetishes and disregarded our instincts as young children which were pure and innocent. Those were hard wired in us but were bred out through indoctrination. As we get older and learn to dismiss society we go back to that original state and then transition or find some alternate way to honour our identities. I am so glad that transition is working for you Emma 😁😁

    2. Agreed Emma. Gender Euphoria doesn't last anyway, as regular life sets in. And as we still listen to our bodies we don't necessarily feel euphoric, but content and correct. It's not like coming down from a bender and seeing the wreckage once sober. More like just admitting we've "done the math" and have found what's right for us, even if it isn't consistently heavenly, it isn't consistently hell anymore either. Sometimes thinking this through becomes an endless loop of torturous linguistics, when we've already found the answer to the question Society does not want us to know.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We