Skip to main content

we all have those moments sometimes

Cross gender arousal confused many of us growing up. A symptom of being trans, it was often misread for our identities being rooted in fetish. Even today there can be remnants of guilt from my education and I will occasionally ask myself what I am doing.

However, absolutely nothing will change the fact that I am trans and always have been. For years I hoped it would go away and let me live in peace but that wasn’t going to happen so I finally resolved to lead the best life I could as a trans person.

The pangs of wanting to lead a conventional life will resurface when my mood is low but that dissipates, and I quickly move back to the realization that it is far better to live in comfortable self-acceptance than not.


  1. You know, it's funny. A friend from college once came to visit me post-transition. He remarked that, of all the people he'd visited from our time in undergrad, I was the most conventional. My wide eyes and smile betrayed my disbelief.

    "What?" he asked, "You went to grad school, entered a profession, dress conservatively, make good money and spend it wisely, and have a nice place to live in. I'm not putting you down; I'm impressed. We went on a wild ride at Berkeley, and not everyone has it so together that we hung with."

    "Um, thanks? But conventional? l mean you did skip the part where.... "

    "Where you figured out who you were and did something about it? Well, sorry, but if that undermines that you're life is conventional, we need to redefine conventional. l mean, in another decade I'd be saying everything about your independence is unconventional because you're a woman. Sorry, you're basically conventional. And it's pretty cool. And in decades future, that you're trans won't be unconventional either."

    My friend was always a little ahead of the game. He was the one who told folks engaged in a battle-of-the-sexes debate in the dorms not to listen to me because, "he thinks like a woman." I think he knew he was tacitly flattering me. Upon meeting me not too many years later, my transition just made sense to him. BTW, he was in military intelligence.

    Conventional, unconventional... meh. I'm me. l like me. :)


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We