Skip to main content

Remembering to breathe

An overly analytical mind like mine doesn't give in to instinct very often and when it does it is to cede to temper suddenly goaded into a red zone (I am after all Latin). The rest of the time it operates on a permanent loop of rehashing past events or trying to figure out how to attack my thoughts on a subject.

I used to envy people that could live more instinctively and be able to reside in the moment. It is something I am teaching myself to do more as I age and the invented demands of society fall increasingly off my radar. However no matter my effort, the overthinking remains a baseline position which has always been there since very young and was contemplating ideas like dying and living forever. My parents had to get a family friend who was a priest to relax my mind from stressing over the perturbing idea. I was 9 years old.

My mind also relives my past on a regular basis and tries to come to terms with lessons learned and castigates past failings and errors but with a view to not repeating rather than succumbing to self-flagilating angst. You cannot move forward if you are mired in regret no matter how tempting the wound licking exercise may feel. I tell myself that I am as imperfect as the next person and use that excuse of fragility to forgive myself.

Since very young I put massive pressure on myself to fit in and used that discipline in every other area which resulted in instilling a stiffness I need not have acquired. That it helped me to succeed in life, it also served as a way to stifle a spirit that needed to breathe much more.


Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We

Never Say Never....

 I was certain that I would never post here again and yet, here I am. It’s been several years, and life has changed me yet again. I have burrowed further into my psyche to discover more internal truths about myself all in the silence of a life lived with more periods of reflective solitude than ever before. After attempting for many years to be a problem solver for others, I needed to dig deeply to discover who I was, which should be a necessity for all people and an absolute imperative for those of us who dare rub against the grain of conventional society. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is honor the internal voice which has driven us since childhood. That whisper which we were compelled to ignore through our initial indoctrination must be listened to again for guidance. I knew I had spent too long heeding messaging that wasn’t working for me as a trans person, and it was time to stop. For the world gleefully basks in a level ignorance and hypocrisy we are not abl