Remembering to breathe

An overly analytical mind like mine doesn't give in to instinct very often and when it does it is to cede to temper suddenly goaded into a red zone (I am after all Latin). The rest of the time it operates on a permanent loop of rehashing past events or trying to figure out how to attack my thoughts on a subject.

I used to envy people that could live more instinctively and be able to reside in the moment. It is something I am teaching myself to do more as I age and the invented demands of society fall increasingly off my radar. However no matter my effort, the overthinking remains a baseline position which has always been there since very young and was contemplating ideas like dying and living forever. My parents had to get a family friend who was a priest to relax my mind from stressing over the perturbing idea. I was 9 years old.

My mind also relives my past on a regular basis and tries to come to terms with lessons learned and castigates past failings and errors but with a view to not repeating rather than succumbing to self-flagilating angst. You cannot move forward if you are mired in regret no matter how tempting the wound licking exercise may feel. I tell myself that I am as imperfect as the next person and use that excuse of fragility to forgive myself.

Since very young I put massive pressure on myself to fit in and used that discipline in every other area which resulted in instilling a stiffness I need not have acquired. That it helped me to succeed in life, it also served as a way to stifle a spirit that needed to breathe much more.


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