Back in 2008 I became convinced that I could get by as an occasional crossdresser. Having refused further treatment I had been approved for at the Montreal General hospital gender identity clinic (where I had asked them to fix me), I resolved to try and live as "normal" a life as possible. This was just after my divorce.

But as fate would have it, transsexualism isn't defeated through will power and eventually the chickens come home to roost despite your best efforts. It's been a lesson for me in how to accept things and not avoid what you have known since childhood but were taught to disavow. I have strong willpower but it was proving to be my undoing and something had to change lest my mental health suffer as a result.

If you are reading a person today who is more self assured and content it is because I learned to stop denying the obvious.


  1. No, as those who hate us will say, you cannot change who you are, or your gender. The strange turnabout here is the fact that some of us were assigned to the wrong team at birth. As you say, we cannot change that through will power.
    When we stop fighting a war against ourselves, contentment and self-assurance are finally possible.

    1. What didn't help us was being born during a time when such things were considered absurd. I simply went along with the plan until I realized I could do it no longer

  2. 2 years ago I came out to myself and then my wife about my need to crossdress. I thought it was a harmless hobby I would do every once in a while, just now out in the open in my home.....

    And then the frequency picked up........way up.

    2 more years later I dress in feminine (my) clothes on a daily basis 24/7. There are times when I can't dress if I have to go out in public and I feel a "hum" in my body. A yearn. I started to believe this low hum was gender dysphoria. I began to look back on my life and see things/signs of gender dysphoria that I didn't even recognize at the time but see it now. Things began to make sense. It was almost like the movie The Matrix when Neo wakes up from the machine.

    At this point I feel I am Trans. But a transition is impractical for me. So I'll just have to manage.

    1. there you go, in the end we are all managing the best way we can :)

    2. My desire goes back to my earliest memories and did it in secret all throughout my childhood and into adulthood until I hit my crisis point at 45 where it became serious I needed to deal with it.. again we are all different

    3. My crisis point came at 47. I had enlightenment and stopped repressing things. I am not sure when I was younger I had the mental ability to accept my feminine side. I always pushed it away except for my quick bouts of CDing. I always was afraid of asking "why" I did it. And what it would mean. Thankfully there are blogs like this that talk about this on a mature level. It is very helpful. Thank you.


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