Remade

Many of not most of us have purged; not once but many times before coming to terms with who we are. Each time I did I was sure that it was the last time I would wear feminine attire and earnestly believed it. Each time I was proven wrong.

My gender "disobedience" goes back to earliest memory only that I didn't start to worry about it until I became a sexualized being and was faced with a choice between authenticity and trying to fit in. Needless to say I chose the latter because being born in my era meant there weren't many choices available to me. Purging then became a repetitive exercise where I could talk myself into  convention. I could convince myself that my gender variance was elective and self-inflicted and I could control it if I wished. Each episode of succumbing became a drunken binge I could dismiss as temporary misstep on my way back and away from truancy.

That this turned out to be a convenient self-deception took a while to sink in and required everything be undone in my life before I could be remade.

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